“If you tell me Christian commitment is a kind of thing that has happened to you once and for all like some kind of spiritual plastic surgery, I say you're either pulling the wool over your own eyes or trying to pull it over mine. Every morning you should wake up in your bed and ask yourself: "Can I believe it all again today?" No, better still, don't ask it till after you've read The New York Times, till after you've studied that daily record of the world's brokenness and corruption, which should always stand side by side with your Bible. Then ask yourself if you can believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ again for that particular day. If your answer's always Yes, then you probably don't know what believing means. At least five times out of ten the answer should be No because the No is as important as the Yes, maybe more so. The No is what proves you're human in case you should ever doubt it. And then if some morning the answer happens to be really Yes, it should be a Yes that's choked with confession and tears and. . . great laughter.”
--Frederick Beuchner

Regarding:

• the Boston maraton bombings that killed 3 and wounded almost 200 including loss of limbs
• the unspeakable murders at Sandy Hook in Newtown
• the mass shootings in the Aurora, CO movie theater, the AZ political rally, the Oregon Mall, Columbine, Virginia Tech, and others
• the NRA, the NRA lobby, and the stranglehold they have on our political system
• the moral blindless and cowardice of our elected officials in the Senate and House
• the inhumane, unsafe abortion clinic in PA, and the refusal of some Christians to make the actual steps it takes to make abortion safe, legal, and rare until it disappears
• the continued oppression of LGBT people, women, and other marginalized individuals and groups in the church that claims to follow Jesus Christ, the champion of the oppressed and marginalized
• the emaciated man in the wheelchair outside the hospital, arguing with a low-wage insurance claim agent
• the fatal explosion in West, Texas that devastated a enter town of 2,000+
• 9/11
• world poverty
• the past, current, and future sins of comission and omission by the U.S. in the name of God, loyalty, and patriotism
• the daily physical and sexual abuse of children worldwide
• the daily, unspeakable violence all over the world
• the holocaust

How can my answer be anything but No?

Tweet

Sermon on the Mount: Addendum

An addendum to Matthew's Sermon on the Mount (Matt 5-7) has been discovered in the American South! Translation from the Greek:

And after all he had spoke he said unto them, "Verily I say unto you, gird up your loins with weapons lest your government oppress thee with taxation and environmental regulation. Careth not about the rich man, for his wealth shall trickle down to you unfettered. Protect thou the fetus of thy womb; yet after birth ye shall wash your hands of them. Be kind only to thy countrymen, for your place of origin is the kingdom of heaven. Despiseth thou those who speak ill against you for your beliefs, for their ears will not hear regardless of the volume of thy words and forcefulness of thy arguments. (Do not letteth that stop you, however.) And above all, a new law I give to you: marriage in the eyes of the state shall be only between one man and one woman, lest I come down and smite thee with floods, famine, and activist judges."

Tweet

A Call From Peggy

One night, in late 2000 or early 2001, I came home and saw the blinking red light on my digital answering machine. I was coming home after...what? I don’t exactly remember.

It could have been a night out with my gay/gay-friendly friends or with my church/Christian friends. It could have been after visiting one of my secret boyfriends (I had three short-lived relationships in the span of two years). Or I might have come back from dinner with my former pastor and his family. Or I could have come home from an internet hookup.

My life at the time was like shattered glass: I felt broken in shards, and I had to be extremely careful with the pieces.

Seeing the blinking light, I walked over and pressed Play. The message began.

“Hi Kevin, this is Peggy Campolo calling.”

I was immediately shocked and immediately touched. Earlier that week, I had found a transcript online of a public dialogue about homosexuality between Tony and Peggy Campolo. The tone and the content of the conversation was something new to me. Although Tony was clear about what he believed was sin, his focus was on the unjust and cruel treatment of LGBT folks by the church. Peggy, agreeing with her husband on the latter point, disagreed with him on same-sex relationships. She believed that these relationships are blessed by God.

I had heard about Tony Campolo growing up in my church culture. To most people I knew, he was an evangelical in good standing, even if his political views were really screwed up. (He was a Democrat for God’s sake!)

After reading the transcript, I did a search for Tony Campolo to find a place where I could contact him. I found an address, typed out a brief message, printed it, and signed it. I don’t remember what was in the letter exactly, but it was a cry for help. Right before I mailed it, I scribbled my phone number on the letter. I’m not sure why I did that, other than desperation.

I’m so glad I did. Even though I addressed the letter to Tony, he passed my letter to his wife. He could have simply ignored it, or he could have written me himself. I'm sure he would have been encouraging, but he might have also told me what I had heard over and over and over again: that acting on my same-sex desires was sin. Instead, he gave the letter to Peggy, with whom he disagreed. I found this to be an incredible act of grace, humility, and discernment.

So, what did Peggy Campolo say on my answering machine? She spent about 5 minutes giving me personal encouragement. She provided a list of online resources. (I honestly don’t remember which ones, as this was back in the early 2000s, but they were resources such as The Gay Christian Network and Soulforce. Unfortunately, there was no such thing as The Marin Foundation back then.) She also told me that she had sent some information in the mail to me, including a recording of the dialogue that she and Tony had had about homosexuality. The packet of materials arrived in the next day or two.

The information was extremely helpful to me at the time. What has remained with me to this day, however, was the act of love from Peggy and Tony, reaching out to me personally.

As I continue this journey in my own spiritual wilderness—a journey that is absolutely necessary, and a journey that I am still on—people like Tony and Peggy help me understand that (for me anyway) there is something deeply meaningful and authentic about the Jesus way. For that I will always be thankful. I also remain hopeful that their influence is having an impact on Christians. For LGBT young people growing up in the evangelical church—lonely, fearful, and struggling to integrate their identity and their faith—this is very good news.

For more on Peggy Campolo and other resources, check out the Recommended Reading section at The Marin Foundation website. Scroll down on the page to view her specific recommendations.

Tweet

Does It Really Get Better?

Today I am blogging at The Registered Runaway, a heartfelt and wonderfully written blog by a young gay Christian man. I was honored when R-squared (as I like to call him) asked me to write something for his new Open Letter series. Of course I said YES! Here is an excerpt:

---

Does it really get better?

That's a question I'm sure most of you have asked. Especially if one or more of the following is true about you today:

• You identify as a Christian
• You go to a non-affirming church
• You are in the closet
• Most or all of your family believe that being gay is a sin (or at the very least, unnatural)
• You are trying to change
• You have chosen a path of lifelong celibacy
• You don’t know whether you want to be a Christian or not
• You feel lonely and marginalized by either Christians or the LGBT community (or both)

Let me briefly share my own story with you, with the hope that you will realize the width, depth, and breadth of God’s love for you, no matter where you are in your spiritual journey...(read the full post at The Registered Runaway blog.)

---

Tweet

Gospel Blog: Matthew 8:1-17

Note: See Introduction for context on this series on the Gospels.

Summary of Matthew 8:1-17
Jesus heals many people physically, including those with "evil spirits."

Detailed Thoughts about Matthew 8:1-17
I have to admit that even though I enjoyed reading and thinking about the Kingdom of God principles in Matt 5-7, I'm really struggling with this chapter. I feel like I'm missing needed context. Matthew (or whomever) wrote these words almost 2,000 years ago. Today, our society is vastly different than in Jesus' time; we know so much more about science and disease, for example. What meaning can be gleaned from a book with such a convuluted history of assembly and publication? This project has given me a new admiration for theologians who study not only the text (and often in the original language), but also consider the historical, cultural, and political contexts of the day. If anything, this project has sparked my interest in people who have studied and written on these topics before.

So I come to this text now feeling very unprepared, but also very skeptical. In the last verse of this particular passage (vs. 17), Matthew continues his major theme of attempting to prove that Jesus is the Jewish messiah.

"Just as the prophet Isaiah had said, 'He healed our diseases and made us well.'"

This verse is meant to be a bit of bombshell. Matthew sets it up in the previous verses by describing different times that Jesus healed people physically. Not only does he want his readers to be amazed at Jesus' miraculous deeds, he wants them to know that this is a fulfillment of Old Testament prophecy about the messiah.

In verses 1-4, Jesus heals a leper. He asks the leper not to tell anyone about the occurrence, but to present himself to the priest (along with a gift according to Moses' law) in order to be declared fit for society again. Two points stand out here:

1. Not telling anyone of the healing is consistent with the theme of Jesus' teachings in the last few chapters (not boasting of your religiosity around town).
2. Jesus gives the healed man very specific instructions in accordance with Jewish law. Matthew again seems to be forcing his major theme of Jewish messiah down the readers' throats.

The next healing anecdote told by Matthew has a bit more detail. An officer of the (Roman?) army asks Jesus to heal his servant. Matthew describes the officer as someone with great empathy for the pain his servant is experiencing. The officer also feels that he is unworthy for Jesus to come to his home, but asks Jesus to just "give the order" for healing and it will occur. (Matthew says that the servant was healed immediately.)

Jesus is suprised at the officer's great faith, and tells his followers that many people like the officer will come from far and wide to experience the kingdom of heaven. However, many who SHOULD have experienced it will be "thrown out into the dark. They will cry and grit their teeth in pain." I think Matthew is implying here that God's chosen people have rejected God's chosen messiah, and therefore have been rejected by God. Again, he is trying to convince his audience to accept Jesus as messiah. Perhaps that is also why he describes the character of the army officer in such glowing terms, as one who has absolute faith in the authority and power of Jesus--to goad his Jewish readers.

A side question: is Jesus referring to "hell" in verse 12? Here is where cultural context would be helpful. Was Matthew/Jesus using the terms, metaphors, and beliefs of the day? Or is he implying a literal truth? I don't know! Hope it's the first one!

Finally, Matthew briefly tells of Jesus healing Peter's mother-in-law, who then "got up and served Jesus a meal." Wow, how many sermons have been preached to women about THAT little anecdote! Then that evening, many people "with demons" came to Jesus and were healed by him. Assuming these miracles did take place, doesn't it seem more likely that the diseases the people had were natural diseases and not evil spirits? But frankly, evil spirits are mentioned quite a bit throughout the gospels. Jesus and the demons actually talk to each other sometimes.

Perhaps you can relate to my frustration and confusion with this passage, and with the Bible in general for that matter. I think many people tend to forget, including me, that the Bible is an ancient text. The customs, beliefs, politics, and understanding of the world were so much different back then. Filtering through all the biases and aims of the author, as well as the historical and culture context of the time, what are we left with? Right now, I'm just not sure.

Tweet

Christianxiety

When I was a sophomore at Tulsa Christian High School, I sang with a music ensemble made up of approximately 16 students. Before practicing something new, the ensemble director would explain the spiritual and Biblical significance of the song. Once, related to a new song she had chosen (I don’t remember the title), she asked the group a question:

"Why are you a Christian?"

You can imagine the kind of answers given by the students in this fundamentalist Christian school:

• "Because I love Jesus and he has done so much for me!"
• "Because God is the creator of the universe."
• "Because I owe God so much."
• "Because it glorifies God, which is why he created us."

I’ll never forget one guy, a senior, who answered this way:

"'Cause I don’t wanna burn!"

The pious director frowned. Everyone harrumphed. That was NOT one of the acceptable answers. But holy shit: if we were being honest, that WAS the answer!!

Even though, today, I do not believe such a hell exists, the fear of eternal hell still lingers. Recently, I’ve been struggling with that question: why am I a Christian? Is it only because of this lingering hell-fear? The answer is complicated, and it also depends on what one means by "Christian"! The truth is: I have anxiety around being a Christian and around not being a Christian.

Let me first explain why I have anxiety around being a Christian. First and foremost, the language, culture, theology, and politics of the Christianity I grew up with brought me nothing but shame and fear. Even though today I belong to a church that doesn’t buy into these concepts, I still tend to associate church with the past. Simply sitting in church can trigger those familiar, negative feelings.

The “Christian life” to me meant dogged obedience to vague commands, appeasing a hyper-sensitive and angry God (who, alternatively, would be heart-broken or wrathful at sin), and constant fear of “losing fellowship with God.” (What did that mean exactly? Hell? If I had unconfessed sin during communion, would that negate my fire insurance? They were never clear on this part of theology, which was convenient for those in authority wanting more control over their flock!).

Secondly, try as I might, I just cannot wrap my head around some of the basic tenants of Christianity. Jesus’ teachings make sense to me, as does the Bible when taken as myth and metaphor. But many, MANY of the things that are primary to the theology of the New Testament, including the literal resurrection of Christ, do not make sense to me.

Looking at history from a bird-eye’s view, what outcomes can be seen by the spread of Christianity? To name a few: The Crusades, torture, violence, horror, oppression, and corruption. It can be argued that these things are realities because of sin nature and because human beings have used the Bible for their own evil devises. But today I had a blasphemous thought: what if the writers of New Testament, having gotten further from Jesus’ main teachings, themselves missed the point of Jesus? How much written about Jesus himself was contrived in order to match Old Testament prophesy and the political and conventional wisdom of the day? At least his messages of love and the “Kingdom of God” were captured. But then again, was that what he really taught? Could Jesus be a Shakespeare-like conspiracy? Was Jesus a good man, yet his teachings and deeds blown way out of proportion to match the myth that was slowly (and perhaps unintentionally) being developed? These are the questions we are taught to never ask, let alone allow ourselves to think. But these are the questions I have. These are the questions that make it hard for me to call myself a Christian.

There is a third reason: the problem of evil, which is similar to the hell problem. If God is omnipotent and loving, why the constant pain and horror on earth? Why are some of us born into comfortable and loving homes, and others born into poverty and violence? The reality of the state of the world must be a part of my own understanding of Christianity. And currently, I don't know how to integrate it.

Even so, while it is hard for me to call myself a Christian, it is just as hard for me to reject Christianity entirely. I don’t want to turn my back on it because I could be missing out on something very profound and meaningful. My partner puts it this way (I'm paraphrasing): it is remarkable how religions over history have picked up on common themes, leading one to believe that there are some universal truths that these religions are uncovering. Another wise person (an Episcopal minister) told me that she is a Christian because that is the most culturally relevant way to try to relate to God, whoever God may be. If she were born in India, she would probably be a Hindu. If born in Saudi Arabia, a Muslim. As an American and one who studied Christian theology in seminary, she felt that the Christian identity was so ingrained in her DNA that it would be too difficult to follow another religious path. (She came to this belief after many years in the ministry.)

Taking other religions and universal truth out of the equation, I don’t want to miss out of the relationships I’ve made with other people who are also struggling with the concept of Christianity, the person of Christ, and the identity of God. I don’t want to miss out on trying to learn and live the Jesus way and the Kingdom life. I actually WOULD like the Kingdom of God (as the book of Matthew describes it) to be a reality in me. What I DON’T want is to become is a robot programmed in the language of fear and shame: lacking humor, true emotions, and my own humanity.

Writing all this down, I still have those voices in my head telling me that the path I’m on is dangerous. The voices say things like this:

• "Jesus is the ONLY way, and you are now merely a worldly Universalist."
• "Hell is REAL. What you believe now is NOT what the Bible says."
• "God is going to spew you out of his mouth because you are so lukewarm." (Um, gross.)
• "Paul predicted that in the end times people would take some parts of the true gospel but deny other parts. You are fashioning such a view of Christianity and that is extremely dangerous."
• "Other religions are a deception of Satan."
• "Unless you admit your acts of homosexuality are sin, you are going to hell."

These are the voices I do battle with every day.

I think Christianity has merit. I think Christ provides an excellent example to follow. The only Christianity I can hold onto, however, is one that discounts the dogma that is taught in most Christian churches today. Which means that most people who label themselves Christians do not think I’m a Christian at all, but a heretic. At least that doesn’t cause me any anxiety!

What are your thoughts on all this? Do you call yourself a Christian?

Tweet

For the Fighters

I’ve been struggling lately to understand LGBTQ individuals who feel compelled to either fight against their gender/sexual identity (a la Christy McFerren) or choose to remain celibate (a la Wesley Hill), because expressing it within a relationship would be sinful.

Maybe "understand" is not the correct word, because I actually DO understand why someone who grew up in a fundamentalist/evangelical Christian environment would fight. I fought against this identity for many years before finally giving up the fight and accepting myself as an unbroken gay man. If I was broken, it was because of perpetual shame and (in order to cope) living in a closet of my own making. So I DO understand why there are people who are putting themselves through this emotional turmoil; it just makes me sad and angry that they feel they need to go through it.

In the article The F Word on the Red Letter Christians site (h/t Micah Bales), the author (who remains anonymous) explains what it is like to both (a) accept the reality of one’s identity and (b) choose to remain celibate as an act of obedience to God. The author describes a horribly abusive childhood home. At 14 years old, he realizes that he is gay; fortunately, a high school counselor "sympathized and explained that there were other people out there" like him.

The first week of College, he became a Christian. Instead of acceptance, he found the need to hide his orientation from his new Christian friends:

"In the college Christian group I was a part of, there were great people, but a large majority of them used the words homo, queer, and faggot. I was in some deep trouble. I had to hide the fact that I was gay. I mean, who could I tell?"

He remains closeted today, and celibate. He may believe it is the best path for him (and even for others for that matter), but he makes it clear he is not looking for an "atta boy" from commenters:

"Now, just so we’re clear: I’m celibate. I’m not planning on having a relationship. You might be thinking, 'Oh, good. You’re one of us.' Afraid not {emphasis mine}. And so we don’t get into a political quagmire that this blog isn’t designed to function for, I won’t get into the reasons why."

But near the end of the article comes the saddest paragraph I’ve read in quite some time:

"And I’d burn every earthly possession I have, empty my bank accounts, quit my job, and terminate every relationship I have for a pill to change over—in a heartbeat—I’d walk away from that pyre buck-naked, unemployed, broke, but straight."

This is so incredibly sad; unfortunately, I have been there. You know what's even sadder? This exact attitude is what many Christians want to hear before they are willing to accept someone as a true Christian. In the comments under the linked article, there are some who give the author an "atta boy" – not only for his stance on celibacy but for his attitude toward his identity. Other commenters are encouraging the author that he is not broken and that he is loved fully as a gay man, celibate or not.

Here’s the dilemma: while I believe that the author’s attitude toward his own identity is very damaging, I also want to honor his story and his journey. In my own journey, I went from (1) fighting against my orientation to (2) accepting my orientation but wishing to remain celibate to (3) extreme anger at being taught that my identity was wrong and sinful. I still struggle with that anger today, especially reading articles like this one. While I was in stages (1) and (2), however, I remember being frustrated by those who were telling me what I believe today: that God accepts me and created me as I am. I felt like they were endangering my identity as a Christian! I felt that if I gave up the fight for change or for celibacy, I would be rebelling against God and therefore God would not accept me. It’s an insidious position to be in!

So how does one talk to someone in stages (1) or (2)? The frustrating thing is that I’m not sure. I’m thankful that more and more Christians are realizing the damage that this obsession with sexual orientation is doing to people. I’m thankful that people like Justin Lee are becoming visible and able to share their stories. The best we can do is to love these fellow strugglers as best as we can; if you have such a friend or family member, by all means continue the relationship. It’s very possible that they will distance yourself from you, because they are fearful of giving up their fight. All I can say is: don’t give up on them.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this matter! Share in the comments, or if you are having trouble you can always Tweet me or leave on comment on my Facebook page.

Tweet