Maybe "understand" is not the correct word, because I actually DO understand why someone who grew up in a fundamentalist/evangelical Christian environment would fight. I fought against this identity for many years before finally giving up the fight and accepting myself as an unbroken gay man. If I was broken, it was because of perpetual shame and (in order to cope) living in a closet of my own making. So I DO understand why there are people who are putting themselves through this emotional turmoil; it just makes me sad and angry that they feel they need to go through it.
In the article The F Word on the Red Letter Christians site (h/t Micah Bales), the author (who remains anonymous) explains what it is like to both (a) accept the reality of one’s identity and (b) choose to remain celibate as an act of obedience to God. The author describes a horribly abusive childhood home. At 14 years old, he realizes that he is gay; fortunately, a high school counselor "sympathized and explained that there were other people out there" like him.
The first week of College, he became a Christian. Instead of acceptance, he found the need to hide his orientation from his new Christian friends:
"In the college Christian group I was a part of, there were great people, but a large majority of them used the words homo, queer, and faggot. I was in some deep trouble. I had to hide the fact that I was gay. I mean, who could I tell?"He remains closeted today, and celibate. He may believe it is the best path for him (and even for others for that matter), but he makes it clear he is not looking for an "atta boy" from commenters:
"Now, just so we’re clear: I’m celibate. I’m not planning on having a relationship. You might be thinking, 'Oh, good. You’re one of us.' Afraid not {emphasis mine}. And so we don’t get into a political quagmire that this blog isn’t designed to function for, I won’t get into the reasons why."But near the end of the article comes the saddest paragraph I’ve read in quite some time:
"And I’d burn every earthly possession I have, empty my bank accounts, quit my job, and terminate every relationship I have for a pill to change over—in a heartbeat—I’d walk away from that pyre buck-naked, unemployed, broke, but straight."This is so incredibly sad; unfortunately, I have been there. You know what's even sadder? This exact attitude is what many Christians want to hear before they are willing to accept someone as a true Christian. In the comments under the linked article, there are some who give the author an "atta boy" – not only for his stance on celibacy but for his attitude toward his identity. Other commenters are encouraging the author that he is not broken and that he is loved fully as a gay man, celibate or not.
Here’s the dilemma: while I believe that the author’s attitude toward his own identity is very damaging, I also want to honor his story and his journey. In my own journey, I went from (1) fighting against my orientation to (2) accepting my orientation but wishing to remain celibate to (3) extreme anger at being taught that my identity was wrong and sinful. I still struggle with that anger today, especially reading articles like this one. While I was in stages (1) and (2), however, I remember being frustrated by those who were telling me what I believe today: that God accepts me and created me as I am. I felt like they were endangering my identity as a Christian! I felt that if I gave up the fight for change or for celibacy, I would be rebelling against God and therefore God would not accept me. It’s an insidious position to be in!
So how does one talk to someone in stages (1) or (2)? The frustrating thing is that I’m not sure. I’m thankful that more and more Christians are realizing the damage that this obsession with sexual orientation is doing to people. I’m thankful that people like Justin Lee are becoming visible and able to share their stories. The best we can do is to love these fellow strugglers as best as we can; if you have such a friend or family member, by all means continue the relationship. It’s very possible that they will distance yourself from you, because they are fearful of giving up their fight. All I can say is: don’t give up on them.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this matter! Share in the comments, or if you are having trouble you can always Tweet me or leave on comment on my Facebook page.
Tweet
